Sometimes I like to think that I’m not afraid of anything. I like snakes, spiders are creepy but that’s whatever, heights are fine if I don’t have to jump. But honestly, I’m afraid of a lot of things.
I don’t like gore and blood but that’s different. That’s getting grossed out and it’s a different kind of fear.
The fear I’m talking about is more complicated. It’s not a simple reaction to an undesirable stimuli. This shit is deep inside you, this isn’t something you can just close your eyes and feel better about – the fear I speak of is part of you.
I am afraid of being alone. of being abandoned. of being left behind. of being left out. of being talked about behind my back. I am afraid of failure. of disappointment. of pain. I am afraid of being too wrong/bad/different that no one will want to be with me.
i think everyone shares this fear. which makes it interesting and also irrelevant.
I wish I could ramble about all the things I think inside without hurting people. I’ve done it before to friends and boyfriends. It feels good and I love talking about the issues and conflicts in my head with others because then I can see what I have in common, what’s actually wrong, and what is dangerous. Sometimes it’s hard to sort out those things on your own. Unfortunately it ends up hurting them in one way or another. They care for me so much they tend to internalize my problems and it negatively impacts their lives. That makes me sad.
I want to be angry. I want to cry. I want to be self destructive and act on my impulses. But here is what I find really fascinating – I CAN’T.
Sometimes, no matter how badly I want to do something, if I know it’s wrong, I can’t make myself do it. The more I learn about psychology and how the brain and thought processes and things like that, the harder it is to overlook the “right thing” to do.
I think about why I get stuck a lot. I think about what is it that is stopping me from doing these things? Is it intelligence? Is it knowledge? Self awareness? Awareness of others?
I’m not trying to say that I have an excess of any of those things, but maybe the combination of a little of everything makes me stop.
It’s so frustrating.
For example – sometimes, I want to just break something or hit something or show rage and scream at the top of my lungs! But then I think “violence begets violence”, all these studies show that violence doen’t make you feel less angry or less violent – it only brings out more. Then I think, I don’t want to break this stuff – then it will be broken and I’ll be upset about that too. Then I’ll have to buy new stuff and that’s a pain in the ass. So I don’t act on that impulse. But what if I were to just yell! What if other people heard me? That’s embarrassing. Besides, it probably wont help anyway.
So after I go through all this I’m left with equal part helplessness and anger. I freeze up and just stay in that horrible state of being – eventually I break down and cry. At least that form of expression doesn’t hurt anybody and I can do it alone. Hell, I might even get a good nap in afterwards.
I think about my past, I think about things that I just want to hear out loud. I’ve struggled with these dilemas for as long as I can remember being able to think about these things. Let’s say middle school, with me realizing it more in high school. I’m not going to talk about all the shit that haunts me here, but know that I did try to find ways to talk about what was going on in my head. I tried journals and stuff but never had the patience, I even tried talking to my stuffed animals and my cat! But these things dont give back any response. No “I’m sorry” or “that sucks” or even a sadface.
Maybe it’s not just about getting my feelings out, but mostly just about justifying them. “This is how I feel please tell me it’s ok to feel this way.”
I’m afraid of what I think, and what I want to do sometimes. I wonder if it’s some sick way of making me feel sorry for myself, which is extremely likely. I think it’s that idea that freaks me out the most. Remembering all the bad things that happened and then being told that I just need to suck it up and deal with my shit.
That’s it then I guess. What I’m scared of most is being told that what I feel isn’t real. That it’s not ok and that I need to stop feeling sad and being afraid.
But sometimes that is what I want. Not the someone telling me to STFU, but some finite easy thing to say “This is why I’m bad. This is the pain, the fear, and everything and it hurts!” Self-destructive behavior can be extremely desirable.
In a weird way, when I look back on my life and see how I changed and how I looked at the world and approached things and then seeing how it all adds up to who I am today, it makes sense. And I hate it.
I wish I had a clone of me that had all of my memories that I could look into the eyes of and cry. We could hold each other and understand.