Inadequate

Standard

The future is scary. Having to subject myself to the judgement of Graduate Admissions is terrifying. Whenever I think about what lies ahead I obsess over what I am on paper. What am I showing them that makes them want me at their school. My overall impression is that I am inadequate. My grades are mediocre, my experience will be limited at best, and I do not attend a university that will make up for things I lack personally. My advantage is that I am an athlete and that gives me something, but it is impossible to know how much.

I am also doing little to change this. I am very good at sitting and dwelling on things that I don’t like rather than do something about them. Everyone is very good at this because this is by far the easiest thing to do. It’s a lot of work to go out and talk to people, find resources available to you, and make use of them. I’m taking tiny steps, but I can’t help but feel the same way I did when I was getting recruited in High School; there’s a lot being asked of me and no time to figure it all out. Why is it that 2.5 years into a 4 year experience I am already behind on the next step? I still think that it’s a little messed up, how early this whole process begins.

I want someone to tell me what I need to do, when I need to do it, and how to get it done. Unfortunately, the older you get, the more people expect you do do that on your own.

Advertisements

Big Pile of Poop.

Standard

I get wrapped up in my own thoughts really easily…..and lately it’s been getting to me.

Like, I mostly don’t want to write this because in my head I’m saying that I’m just another whiney bitch on the internet, but I’m hoping that this can at least help me sort out my thoughts.

1. Roommates

My roommates are in a relationship. They are very happy together. I hate it. I hate seeing them cuddle, kiss, or even look at each other in that way. It’s kind of a complicated issue…but mostly it comes down to me wrongly attributing their actions and holding it against them until the end of time. Basically, I’m equating their happiness/relationship to my unhappiness/loneliness. I can’t seem to get over it, which is frustrating because I don’t enjoy feeling sick when I see them together. That, and everyone around me has had enough of my complaints and mean comments. Hearing every kiss and cutesy, lovey moment of their happy little lives makes me feel isolated and jealous because my friends go to different schools far away, and I have nowhere and no one to run away to. I’ve dealt with dreading being at home for a long time, and now I have to deal with it here too? Maybe it has always been me…              Not sure what to do here.

2. The Future

THE FUTURE IS THE SCARIEST THING! I’m at the end of my Junior year in college, and am feeling the pressures of the next major change in my life – Graduate School. I feel wholly under-qualified and completely unprepared. I also see almost no opportunity with my current schedule to change either of those things. It’s all my mom can talk about  (besides volleyball and her impending doom, but those are equally bad) and, as usual, I am internalizing her anxiety.  After I immediately broke down when I mentioned Grad School to my Psych, she suggested that I take a step back and wait until the end of this semester to tackle that issue. This is great now, but I can’t help but dread when that day comes, knowing the amount of work ahead of me.

2b. More Immediate Future

I couldn’t find anyone to live with for next year. My whole team already has their living situations figured out, and my roommates are doing their own thing (a previous falling out kind of put me out of the picture). This leaves me with a few options: A) live in a studio, B) find a room to rent out with random people already there, C) find a place with multiple bedrooms and try to find roommates. Options B and C are undesirable because I’ve had bad experiences with random roommate assignment in the past and I have no friends. I’ve mainly been focusing on option A. The issues here are that Mom doesn’t want me to live further than walking distance to campus, and I have a mostly limited budget. Studios are expensive in general, and I’m working with the monthly check from athletics (plus generous help from my father when needed). Mom says that they’d be willing to help pay for things to account for the increased rent associated with living close to campus. That’s great, but I definitely feel guilty about using so much of their money. We’re not super rich, and there’s a lot going on right now…I don’t want to use more of my parents money than I have to. This whole living alone situation is also really stressful because I am a largely extroverted person, and when left to my own thoughts for too long…bad things happen. I need people, and without them I die a little (see my entire freshman year). Maybe everything will be ok. Maybe living alone will help me learn to love myself and force me to make new friends and be independent or whatever! Fingers crossed.

3. The Past

One of the reasons I am hesitant to post here is because I’m worried a certain someone will read it and be all “Mwahaha! See, she is inherently unhappy and I am so better off without her! I wasn’t the cause of her sadness, she just sucks at being happy! LOL!”. Of course that’s extremely self absorbed and dumb. There’s no reason he’d read this. It’s been a considerable amount of time since I’ve posted anything, and he’s off living his own life or whatever. The only thing that suggests that he’d read my stuff is that I definitely read his. I miss reading his blog, it was the only thing I had left to see how he’s doing and if he’s happy. That little bit of gratification I got from knowing I was on his mind once in a blue moon is addicting. Of course, it’s addicting because he’s on my mind too. I’m not hung up on him or stalking him or anything outrageous like that, but I still smile, shake my head, and wish I could have a decent, humane, normal conversation with someone who played a significant part in my life. Oh, Sam…I wonder what you’re up to.

 

4. A Good Day, Eventually

It is a good day when volleyball doesn’t show up on the list of woe, but today is not that day. Going into my last year of volleyball is FANTASTIC! I have a countdown going on my computer that tells me how many more days/hours/minutes/seconds left until my moment of freedom (289/23/53/10). Still, volleyball is volleyball and it’s stressful nonetheless. Nothing terrible so far, to be honest, but most of my stress comes from seeing how bad I am and knowing how things are likely to unfold. I’m working on keeping my expectations down, but my pride and competitiveness keep getting in the way. I so want to be good at this, but I’ve been shown for three years that “good enough” an impossible goal.

Also, Valentines Day is Thursday

Here’s a Valentine

Image

2012 Review

Standard

So I may have posted these out of order – but both this, and my previous post are important for the new year!

2012 Social: Way better than previous years! I went out with my team every now and again, but would still honestly say that I am definitely one of the least partying of my teammates. I also met some new people, and ventured into some areas that I normally wouldn’t have gone. However, my relationship with my roommates has kind of deteriorated and I am losing a significant part of my social circle by losing them. Sadface.

2012 School: These past two semesters were really good! I scored at and above my cumulative average both terms. This Fall I even finished with my best GPA yet! Yay!

2012: Volleyball: awful. terribad. definitely the worst. But hey, that’s life. I’m almost done and I’ve learned my lesson for the future – some things are just not worth the money. Maybe I can use the pain from having to endure 4 years of this to motivate me to find a job I am truly happy in 🙂 However, this year I am much closer to my team than i have in any of the previous years!

2012 Family: Mom is always sick. Dad is always the same. Kitty is a happy kitty-doo. Same old.

2012 Love: Complicated…in this past year I lost contact with Sam, experienced dating a football  player, had a one-night stand, and am now in a relationship with a guy who treats me well. Playing the field has allowed me to move attention away from the hurt of the past, and look forward to the future. While the past still hurts from time to time, I have experienced many forms of a relationship and am beginning to figure out what I really want and need. My one regret is my secret to keep.

Overall? Pretty damn good if I may say so myself.

I’ve got some hopes and secrets and vices that will follow me into the new year, but that’s fine with me 🙂 there’s got to be some parts of me left over!

I will say that i am like 500x more emotionally stable and secured than I was this time last year. But I’ve still got some work to do.

So, 2013?

BRING IT ON!

2013 Resolutions

Standard

Happy New Year! Yay!

This year has been…complicated – lots of boys, drama, and lots of fun. I hope next year is as exciting as this one!

Here are my resolutions

School

– Go to class every day no matter what.

– Get above a 3.3 GPA

– Get started on Grad School stuff

Growing up 

– Find a place to live and/or find someone to live with

– Create a credit card in my name to build credit

And most importantly…

DO NOT LET VB RUIN MY LIFE 

My Own Good

Standard

Mistake #1: Using boys to distract myself from a boy

Mistake #2: Reading his blog

Result: Surprise emotional pain, sudden disinterest in current relationship, general confusion of emotions.

*sigh*

I knew it was a very very very bad idea to read his blog…but I did anyway. I’m not here to trash him like he’s done to me, I just wish things had turned out differently. I wish we were still friends. All the same, I’m not happy that he’s happy….so that sucks.

It was wrong of me to use new relationships to help distract me from dealing with the past. I honestly thought I had dealt with it, but I guess there’s still something left.

I need to deal with and get rid of the remains of what was. I need to remember how to be ME again – without the cuddles and kisses to make me feel better about  myself. I can do it, but I’m certainly not going to like it.

The amount of hurt I felt when I read his post is a clear enough sign that there is something still inside me leftover from what was. It makes sense, I guess. The deeper feelings you have for someone, the harder it is to get rid of them. This must be the deepest part of the past. I thought I was over it all – I thought that not dreaming of him or missing him or even thinking of him meant that it was finished, but I guess the hurt of knowing someone you love hates you preys on the most precious part of the past – it’s memories.

I’ll be done with this soon enough – but I have to remember not to go back to someone else to make me feel better. That’s the easy way out – and apparently not good enough.

That’s why I’m writing this post. As a check for where I was when these deeper things were reawakened inside me. It hurt. And I need to be myself again – not some girl who needs a boy

I’m pretty sure there are plenty of songs about this exact thing that can remind me to keep fighting  – I should make a playlist.

YOU CAN DO IT, SELF!

Scared Thoughts

Standard

Sometimes I like to think that I’m not afraid of anything. I like snakes, spiders are creepy but that’s whatever, heights are fine if I don’t have to jump. But honestly, I’m afraid of a lot of things.

I don’t like gore and blood but that’s different. That’s getting grossed out and it’s a different kind of fear.

The fear I’m talking about is more complicated. It’s not a simple reaction to an undesirable stimuli. This shit is deep inside you, this isn’t something you can just close your eyes and feel better about – the fear I speak of is part of you.

I am afraid of being alone. of being abandoned. of being left behind. of being left out. of being talked about behind my back. I am afraid of failure. of disappointment. of pain. I am afraid of being too wrong/bad/different that no one will want to be with me.

i think everyone shares this fear. which makes it interesting and also irrelevant.

I wish I could ramble about all the things I think inside without hurting people. I’ve done it before to friends and boyfriends. It feels good and I love talking about the issues and conflicts in my head with others because then I can see what I have in common, what’s actually wrong, and what is dangerous. Sometimes it’s hard to sort out those things on your own. Unfortunately it ends up hurting them in one way or another. They care for me so much they tend to internalize my problems and it negatively impacts their lives. That makes me sad.

I want to be angry. I want to cry. I want to be self destructive and act on my impulses. But here is what I find really fascinating – I CAN’T.

Sometimes, no matter how badly I want to do something, if I know it’s wrong, I can’t make myself do it. The more I learn about psychology and how the brain and thought processes and things like that, the harder it is to overlook the “right thing” to do.

I think about why I get stuck a lot. I think about what is it that is stopping me from doing these things? Is it intelligence? Is it knowledge? Self awareness? Awareness of others?

I’m not trying to say that I have an excess of any of those things, but maybe the combination of a little of everything makes me stop.

It’s so frustrating.

For example – sometimes, I want to just break something or hit something or show rage and scream at the top of my lungs! But then I think “violence begets violence”, all these studies show that violence doen’t make you feel less angry or less violent – it only brings out more. Then I think, I don’t want to break this stuff – then it will be broken and I’ll be upset about that too. Then I’ll have to buy new stuff and that’s a pain in the ass. So I don’t act on that impulse. But what if I were to just yell! What if other people heard me? That’s embarrassing. Besides, it probably wont help anyway.

So after I go through all this I’m left with equal part helplessness and anger. I freeze up and just stay in that horrible state of being – eventually I break down and cry. At least that form of expression doesn’t hurt anybody and I can do it alone. Hell, I might even get a good nap in afterwards.

I think about my past, I think about things that I just want to hear out loud. I’ve struggled with these dilemas for as long as I can remember being able to think about these things. Let’s say middle school, with me realizing it more in high school. I’m not going to talk about all the shit that haunts me here, but know that I did try to find ways to talk about what was going on in my head. I tried journals and stuff but never had the patience, I even tried talking to my stuffed animals and my cat! But these things dont give back any response. No “I’m sorry” or “that sucks” or even a sadface.

Maybe it’s not just about getting my feelings out, but mostly just about justifying them. “This is how I feel please tell me it’s ok to feel this way.”

I’m afraid of what I think, and what I want to do sometimes. I wonder if it’s some sick way of making me feel sorry for myself, which is extremely likely. I think it’s that idea that freaks me out the most. Remembering all the bad things that happened and then being told that I just need to suck it up and deal with my shit.

That’s it then I guess. What I’m scared of most is being told that what I feel isn’t real. That it’s not ok and that I need to stop feeling sad and being afraid.

But sometimes that is what I want. Not the someone telling me to STFU, but some finite easy thing to say “This is why I’m bad. This is the pain, the fear, and everything and it hurts!” Self-destructive behavior can be extremely desirable.

In a weird way, when I look back on my life and see how I changed and how I looked at the world and approached things and then seeing how it all adds up to who I am today, it makes sense. And I hate it.

 

I wish I had a clone of me that had all of my memories that I could look into the eyes of and cry. We could hold each other and understand.

Change

Standard

I’m itching for change. I think it would be awesome to go out and find a new apartment, move in, sort through all my shit, and start fresh! But of course I can’t do that. But I WANT to!

I’m also nervous for when change does have to happen because I might not be able to find someone to live with. Living alone is scary, sad, and expensive so I really don’t want to do that.

Still, assuming everything works out the way I want it to it’s a very exciting thing. 😀